Company Conditioning

When did we get a glass elevator at work? For that matter, when did we get a glass anything at work? I distinctly remember there being no glass in this mega corporation’s skyscraper. There aren’t even glasses in the kitchens, and anybody with poor eyesight is required to wear contacts. I distinctly remember being told that on my first day, because I tried to bring a glass water bottle into my interview and almost lost the job before I’d even gotten it. And yet, when I ask my coworkers or the HR department when we got all this glass, they claim it’s always been there! The HR guy said, “This business has never had any prejudice against glass of any kind. All glass is welcome here. We even have employees who wear glasses!”

There’s some serious gaslighting going on here. A few weeks ago I was talking to Annie from marketing about how the company must save a lot of money on not needing glass repair and she completely agreed with me. I mentioned the same thing over lunch yesterday and she said that the company spends lots of money on it. What is going on? 

This morning when I got into work, one of the Lowly Men, dressed in his bright orange coat, approached me and asked how I was feeling. I told him I felt absolutely fine but wanted to know what the deal was with all the glass. I know what good glass balustrades near Melbourne look like, and we did not have them last week. Now they’re on every staircase.

The Lowly Man said, “Patrick Walters, the CEO invites you to the company’s re… umm… the company’s conditioning program, where all your worries will go away and your questions will be answered.” I was feeling a bit intimidated so I agreed to go with him. He brought me up to the nineteenth floor and sat me down at this computer, then told me to write whatever I wanted. He’s watching me type all this, so it’s a bit weird. Now, what was I talking about again? I can’t quite remember. Oh well. Guess it’s time to finish up and head down the perfectly normal glass elevator, back to work.